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Educational Television/Script
In the hallway of Area Fifty-Something (Link and B.O.B. ran as they rolled under the closing door, Link sat on B.O.B. while bounces over boxes, Link threw B.O.B.'s eyeball to the opening switch leading to the living room) In the living room (Link and B.O.B. do somersaults over the couch and then lands on it) Link and B.O.B.: Lazy Saturday. Link: Where's the remote? B.O.B.: Face fishing! (grabs the remote with his mouth and spits it out) Link: (grabs the remote and turns on the television while finding a black screen with "NO SIGNAL..." in green blinking) No. B.O.B.: (reads the words) No, signal. Oh, is that a cop show? Link: It can't be. (presses buttons on the remote) B.O.B.: More, no, signal. Man, this show's on, like every channel. Link: B.O.B., I think, I think the cable's out. (creaks while facing towards B.O.B.) We, have no, TV. (sees B.O.B. sitting still) No TV, B.O.B.! B.O.B.: (thinks) Hmm. (thinks some more, gets up, and screams while running in the room while evening going on the ceiling) Link: (stops B.O.B.) This is an epic boredom crisis. The very survival of Lazy Saturday is at stake. B.O.B.: (gets down to the floor and screams at Link) What do we do?! Link: We find something fun, pronto! In the hallway B.O.B.: (has an apple on him) This is (sinks the apple) gonna be (puts the apple back on him) awesome. Link: (sets the coordinates) Yeah, try not to talk; throws off the aim a little bit. B.O.B.: I'll try, but, (laughs) you know my mouth. In mean, sometimes it just does stuff and I don't even realize it. (sinks the apple) Oh, there it goes again! Bad mouth! (keeps on babbling as he tries to battle his mouth) Sqweep: (enters the room) This activity has a ninty-seven point four-four percent chance of catastrophic damage. Link: One hundred percent of don't care. Sqweep: I merely wish to record the results for my Earth studies report. I, have a section on your planet's substandard intelligence. Link: (stops his action) Woah, kid. There's nothing sub about Earth intelligence. B.O.B.: (heard in the background) My mouth got free again! (grunts) Link: (sets the coordinates) The cable's out. You take away a man's TV, stuff's gonna happen. Sqweep: Fascinating. And what would happen if he had television back? (Link and B.O.B. comes closer to Sqweep) B.O.B.: You have Tv?! Link: Gimme. B.O.B.: Gimme! Link: So bored! B.O.B.: Please gimme! Sqweep: Alien satellite television, (sets a hologram television) it is not the premium package, so I only received sixty-five trillion channels. Link and B.O.B.: (babbles) Sixty-five! Sqweep: Would you like to borrow it. I'm confident your tiny Earth minds will benefit from my educational television. Link: Hold up, educational television? You know that learning and fun are enemies in the wild, right? Sqweep: Well, if you do not want it. (starts to leave) Link: Sixty-five trillion channels? Sqweep: From seventeen different galaxies. (Link and B.O.B. comes in front of Sqweep) Link: We'll take our chances. (takes Sqweep's television and laughs with B.O.B.) In the living room Link: (flips the channels) Space Jail, (flips the channel) Martian Martial Arts Mayhem. (flips the channel) (explosion is heard in the television) B.O.B.: Ooh, this one's just stuff exploding. Link: And that's the actual title, Just Stuff Exploding. I gotta tell you Sqweep, this does not sound like brain food. Sqweep: I assure you... Link: (covers Sqweep's mouth) Sh sh sh sh, (takes his hand off of Sqweep) TV talking now. unknown character #1 (in the television): And here's more of Theta's Quadrant's painfullest home videos. (clang is heard) unknown character #2 (in the television): Ooh, my gleentorgs! B.O.B.: (laughs) Right in the gleentorgs. Link: I love educational television. (high-fives B.O.B.) Later on unknown character #3 (in the television): Kiss me Omeganaught; kiss me with each of your seven mouths! (kisses Omeganaught) (Link tries to cover B.O.B.'s eye, but it fell below down for him to see) Later on (Link watches the television while eating chips and B.O.B. watches with Link while drinking boxed juice) chief (in the television): Officer Zankar-seven, stand down! You can't parachute from space jail! It's in space! Zankar (in the television): But I'm loose cannon chief, and it's the only way to save the galactic emperor's baby. (B.O.B. and Link talks at the same time) B.O.B.: Do it! Link: Do it Zankar! chief (in the television): Zankar! Zankar (in the television): Deploy space-chute in three, two... (the television beeps and shuts down, and then Link and B.O.B. talks at the same time) Link: Hey! B.O.B.: TV! television: (lights up) Continue watching, yes or no? Link: (stammers) Yeah, continue watching! B.O.B.: Think of the galactic emperor's baby! television: (shows a math problem) One plus one equals... Link: Hey what----Hey, what's wrong with your TV? Sqweep: Nothing, it is a perfectly functioning educational television. Link: Yeah, maybe it's my Earth intelligence; but on this planet, educational TV means puppets teaching kids the alphabets or songs about washing your hands after you tinkle. B.O.B.: Huh, whoa whoa, we're suppose to do what after what? (eats toilet paper) Link: Well, you can finish the chips. (B.O.B. gulps down the paper) Sqweep: Well on my planet, educational television is a device. In order to continue watching, you must answer an academic question. B.O.B.: But that's like work, on Lazy Saturday? Oh, what is wrong with you? Link: Easy B.O.B. You know, whatever, as long as there's TV, I can handle some simple math. One plus one equals... B.O.B.: Mushroom. Link: Seriously? television: That answer is wrong! (blasts a sonic blast to knock Link and B.O.B. towards a wall) Link: What was that? Sqweep: Paincentive, a registered alien trademark. (Link gets out of B.O.B.) B.O.B.: It's also a registered butt mark. Sqweep: Every time you get a question wrong, there will be another sonic blast to remind you to be smarter. television: (draws a circle) Identify the shape. Link: Big boom for every wrong answer, you thinking what I'm thinking buddy? B.O.B.: That the shape is a no-angle? television: That answer is wrong! (Link holds the television to aim for a cabinet as it blasts a sonic blast) B.O.B.: Cool! Link: Yeah, take that books! This is way better than regular Tv. Come on, B.O.B., let's go (grabs B.O.B.) have some fun. (B.O.B. giggles) Sqweep: What?! In the training room television: You are thirsty. Do you need a glass of water or a campfire? Link: I'm deferring to B.O.B. (brings the television near B.O.B.) B.O.B.: Does the campfire have any juice boxes? television: That answer is wrong! (Link holds the television to aim for the sacked red barrels as it blasts a sonic blast to blow them away; Link and B.O.B. then talks at the same time) Link: Yeah! B.O.B.: Alright! (Link and B.O.B. high-five each other) Sqweep: (enters) What are you doing?! This is not improving your Earth intelligence. Link: I'm smart enough to know I'm not bored anymore. B.O.B.: E equals M C boom. (Link and B.O.B. laugh as they run away and Sqweep antennas change to yellow from fear) In the hallway television: What sound does a cow make? B.O.B.: None, it's in stealth mode. television: Why would a cow be in stealth mode? B.O.B.: Ask her, she's the one wearing cowmaflague. (Link puts the television under the couch) television: (sighs) That answer is wrong! (blasts a sonic blast making the couch rise) (Link and B.O.B. rise with the couch enjoying the ride) Sqweep: (walks to the television) You are mocking the educational process. This experiment... (tries to dodge the couch) Link and B.O.B.: Ha! (high five each other) In Coverton's ship Coverton: (relaxes as he talks to Coverlord) Oh nothing much. Just chilling, plotting evil, you know? How's your day? B.O.B. (by the entrance): Duck, D-O-zero-Q? television: Wrong! (Link aims the television at Coverton which it blasts a sonic blast at him causing him to scream, fall down, groan, and look upside down) Link: Surprise! (Link and B.O.B. runs away) Sqweep: (follows Link and B.O.B.) You are disappointing the entire universe! In the hallway near a different living room (Susan is listening to music in the living room) television: Wrong! (blasts a sonic blast) B.O.B.: Cupcakes. television: Wrong! (blasts a sonic blast) Susan (in the living room): (takes off a ear piece of her headphones) Anything important broken?! Link: Not yet! (Susan puts back the ear piece in) Sqweep: (talks to Susan) Are you going to do nothing about this? Susan (in the living room): Sh, Lazy Saturday. (starts to close the door) Sqweep: But. (the door is close) Out on the desert (B.O.B. places the television under a jeep) television: Wrong! (blasts a sonic blast destroy a peek) (the jeep falls down causing an unknown solider screaming in danger) Sometime later (the television blasts a sonic blast aim for a tank; Link rides on the tank like he was surfing) Later on (three sonic blasts are seen being use from the television) In the hallway Link: (dodges three sonic blasts from the television while a story away from it) Yeah, you got nothing! Come on, (lies on a railing) I'll make it easy for you. Sqweep: You realize you are confirming the inferiority of Earth intelligence? (Link laughs while hailing on the railing from the side that's closer to the television) B.O.B.: Oh, I got you this time! television: (shows four squares with a blue elephant in the black screen on the top left corner as the others are black cats in white boxes) Pick which cat is different. Here is a hint, it is the one that is an elephant. (gives off a noise of an elephant trucks pushing air out) B.O.B.: (tries to guess) Hmm. (the television shows the elephant circled and arrows pointing at the elephant) B.O.B.: Uuuum, (creates a third arm and points at the cat on the top-right corner) that one looks, vegetarian? (points the television at Link) (the television beeps like it's shutting down) B.O.B.: (points the television back at him) What happened?! Sqweep: I, do not, know. television: Your mind is an insult to the universe. B.O.B.: (scoffs) Shows what you know. I don't even (puts his pointer finger through his head) have a mind. television: I am forced to increase the paincentive to ultimate. Link: (hangs upside down on the railing) Huh, that sounds ominous. (jumps down near B.O.B.) Sqweep: Well, it serves you both right. Sometimes the only way to learn... television: Any planet that produces such stupidity cannot be allowed to exist. Link: (touches the television) Say what with the what? Sqweep: Oh, gleentorgs! television: Now downloading an app to launch the Earth into the Sun. Have a nice five minutes of remaining existence. B.O.B.: Wait, is that app free? 'Cause you didn't ask my credit card number which is seven. television: Downloading faster now. Make the blue man go away, make him go. Link: (grabs the television) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just shoot us into the Sun over some stupid questions! B.O.B.: Uh (reaches Link's shoulder) technically, the answers were stupid buddy. Link: Oh now you're smart. Sqweep: Do you know what it means if the planet is incinerated?! Link: Yeah, we're all goners! Sqweep: Worse, an automatic D-minus in Earth studies. (Link gets skeptical) Sqweep: What? Link: Come on, gi-give us another question. I promise we'll get it right. Sqweep: Yes, one more chance, please? television: Final question. Sqweep: Phew! Link: Phew! television: Calculate the velocity required to maximize the gravitational slingshot effect when rounding Perselon's second largest moon during the apex of it's orbital crossing. Link: (flips the television) That'll be for you. (stops flipping it while having it face Sqweep) Sqweep: But, that moon orbits an irregular ellipse that vary with each cycle. It would take two days to run all the calculations. television: (beeps) Download complete. (the base rumbles) In the living room Dr. Cockroach: Lazy Saturday. (pours a liquid chemical into a different graduated cylinder and covers it with his thumb) Now shake very lightly and... (the base rumbles causing Dr. Cockroach to shake rougher while whimpering and shouting as the gas leads him out of the living room; Susan follows Dr. Cockroach) In the hallway (a random soldier shouts while running away as Dr. Cockroach got to the area where B.O.B., Link, and Sqweep are) B.O.B.: Maybe the answer is... (grunts while being grabbed on by Link) (Dr. Cockroach hits a wall near Susan) Susan: What's going on? Link: If somebody doesn't tell that mean TV the right velocity for some gravity slingshot, it's gonna launch this rock into the Sun. Susan: Is it weird that not a single word of that surprised me? Dr. Cockroach: (runs to the television) Perselon's second largest moon, eh? Tricky job, irregular ellipses and whatnot. Better let me have a go. Sqweep: No thank you. Dr. Cockroach: Yes please. Sqweep: Unnecessary. Dr. Cockroach: Actually, I believe... Sqweep: (glows its antennas red showing anger) Actually, it would be most helpful if you'd shut your mandibles and let me work. B.O.B.: (escaped from Link and goes to the television) Okay, I think it's got something to do with ice cream sandwi... (gets grabbed by Link) Dr. Cockroach: You're missing the shortcut provided by Gervalli's constant. Sqweep: Gervalli's constant does not apply to quadruple helix patterns. Dr. Cockroach: Not on the first seven cycles, but... Sqweep: Enough! Your friends have already proven that Earth intelligence is inferior, incompetent, and incapable. Susan: I got it, the answer is "one foot". (walks away from the television) Dr. Cockroach: One foot? Sweep: That's not even a measure of velocity! (Susan grows into her Ginormica size and steps on the television causing Dr. Cockroach and Sqweep to avoid her) television: (whirls down) Signal lost. (Link let's go of B.O.B.) Susan: (shrinks down to human size) Earth intelligence is fine, thanks. It just runs stronger on the female side. (Sqweep gets confused) B.O.B.: Oh, Susan broke the TV. I'm bored again. Link: (hugs B.O.B. from the side) You wanna go play Experimental Weapons Tag? B.O.B.: (runs away with Link) I'm it! Dr. Cockroach:(runs with Link and B.O.B.) I'll get the launch codes. (Susan sighs and slaps herself in the face) Category:Scripts